There Are No Such Thing as Shark Attacks
I know this is random, but I just want to clear this up for people out there.
There are these things called shark attacks, but there is no such thing as a shark attack. I have never seen a real shark attack.
I know you’re making a weird face as you’re reading this. OK people, a shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as.
We’re humans. We live on land.
Sharks live in water.
So if you’re swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that’s called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack.
A shark attack is if you’re chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that’s a shark attack. Now, if you’re chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack.
When I see on the news where it’s like, “There have been 10 shark attacks,” I’m like, “Hey, for real?! They’re just running around? Sharks are walking now, huh! We live on the land, we don’t live underwater.”
I love me the Agent Zero. Thanks to him, a few others and the departure of M. Jordan several years ago--I'm almost a Wizards fan. Oh, and by the way, I'm pretty sure its not a coincidence that this rant was written during "Shark Week." Speaking of Shark Week, I leave you with one of my favorite quotes of the past year. In the immortal words of Tracy Jordan on 30 Rock, "Live every week like it's Shark Week."
8 comments:
I enjoyed that very much.
Here's another fun one from Arenas:
I wasn’t wearing a bike helmet. The only people who wear bike helmets are 13-year old girls and Tony Hawk, but that’s skateboarding and he’s doing flips and stuff. I’m going straight. Ha, well I guess I did end up doing a flip off my bike, but it wasn’t a planned one.
Trespassing. hee hee hee hee!
Sadly, he has convinced me!
But he is a moron for not wearing a helmet, although I seldom do either.
I agree Sarah.
Yeah, most of us are trespassing morons. As far as the helmet goes...he's a moron for not wearing one..that doesn't mean his rants aren't hilarious though.
Arenas on "shark attacks"
Hear Me Out
Yeah, you’ve all been talking about it. I used someone else’s joke. What’s the big deal? I thought it was funny, I blogged it, you all laughed.
Mission accomplished.
Listen, nobody even heard of Ian Edwards before me. He’s no Chris Rock. I helped him become famous. Now everybody is going to YouTube and looking him up.
The joke was worth about $7 when I heard it, now that I’ve used it’s probably worth a little bit more. I’ll sell it back to him for $7.78. Seventy-eight cents, Ian, you can put that in a royalties check made out to me.
Puffy and Ashanti made careers out of stealing other people’s beats. This is America, the land of the reused.
If you think about it, nothing is original. Every joke has been retold at some point. What I did was recycle a new joke instead of waiting for it to get old. It was too funny not too. I mean, at least I picked a good joke, right? It’s not like it was some lame, “Yo momma” joke.
Let’s not forget, “Hibachi” was stolen too. Brendan Haywood used to say it before me. But I recognize good stuff and make it popular. Now “Hibachi” is patented by Agent Zero, son.
I’m not a thief, I just reused it.
Know who is a thief? The guy that is trying to sell the domain name of GilbertArenas.com to me. It’s my name! I have to buy it back from him. Now that’s stealing, borrowing, whatever you want to call it.
I mean they were even talking about it on PTI. Patrick McEnroe was saying I should quit making jokes about sharks and worry about rehabbing. Patrick, you’re right, I should be focusing on my knee. I guess taking 15 minutes to tell a joke doesn’t leave 23 hours and 45 minutes the rest of the day to be working on my knee. Rome was killing me too, but Rome’s my boy so I can’t say anything bad about him.
Patty Mac, shouldn’t you be “focusing” on talking about real sports that are going on? I didn’t realize that telling jokes can get me on PTI. I should do it more often.
Did you hear the one about the monkey and the dog …
I would finish the joke, but I already spent too much time on this post and need to get back to the gym according to McEnroe.
Before I do though, I’m going to go play with my new pet. It’s called a “liger.” It’s a cross between a tiger and a lion. I made it up. Man, I’m so original.
(Yes, I stole that from Napoleon Dynamite. Rent it. It’s funny.)
Lol, I love it! It sounds so like me. :-D
I'm always telling people, when you're on a surfboard, it's been proven that sharks "attack" you, thinking you're a seal.
So you're dressing up like a seal. It's a wonder there aren't more "attacks."
I still feel sorry for the victims, though, and do believe that any animal that attacks a human must be killed...kinda hard to hunt down some shark though, huh?
Paleo--Well, I would say yes...but only because Jaws was a favorite movie of mine when I was 8.
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